The Father I Needed

I am a daughter who needed a father.

I have no recollection of a sparkle in your eye when you looked at me.

I needed a father whose eyes lit up when I entered his line of sight.

I never felt treasured.

I needed a father who considered me a gift.

My worth was diminished by everything you loved more.

I needed a father who loved me most.

Your attention was what I craved, but even throwing myself into your hobbies wasn’t enough to gain that attention.

I needed a father whose affection I didn’t have to earn.

I wasn’t taught the value of a daughter.

I needed a father who showed me I was significant.

I felt threatened by you.

I needed a father who protected me.

I didn’t have permission to express my emotions and feelings without negative repercussions.

I needed a father who provided a safe place to explore my emotions.

I wasn’t known by you—my thoughts, interests, passions, and capabilities were overlooked.

I needed a father who saw me.


~*~

Father’s Day is not a day that I can celebrate with enthusiasm. Father’s Day is complicated. It is a stark reminder of the essential absence of a father figure in my life. Those of you who have known me a long time might be confused by that statement. Yes, my father was present in the home as I grew up, but he was absent in every other way. When I search my memory for instances that relay evidence of having a well-fathered heart, I come up empty.

After decades of ignoring the deep sadness and grief of not having the father I needed, those wounds are breaking through the surface of my heart, ripping open those tender spots that long to be healed. Currently, I am wrestling with the fathering heart of God. I’ve heard, all my life, that He is a Father to the fatherless, a good Father, a loving Father. Yet, when you grow up not only without a solid father figure, but also with a worldview shaped by the belief that a father is someone you have to tip-toe around lest you upset him, making a connection to the true Father-heart of God is difficult, at best.

Believing, deep in my heart, that I am a beloved daughter of the King is a challenge when my human understanding and experience tells me I am easily replaced and unwanted. Accepting that my heavenly Father wants nothing more than to spend time with me is unlikely when my experience tells me my presence is a bother. Knowing that I don’t have to work to earn the love of Father-God seems too good to be true when I feel unwanted.

All this is further complicated by the fact that I have a lot of unanswered questions about my sister’s death. Because how are you supposed to believe in a good Father when He’s allowed the person closest to you to die? It’s almost too much to bear.

For now, all I can do is push those questions aside as best I can and focus on solidifying my identity as a significant and irreplaceable daughter and God’s inherent character as a Father. Because until that belief is deeply rooted in my heart, mind, spirit, and soul, every other truth falls on deaf ears.

When I first began intentionally digging into this landmine of suppressed hurt, the Holy Spirit whispered a phrase to me:

“You were my daughter first.”

I’ve not fully unpacked the depth behind that statement yet, but I’m content to camp out there for a while.

I may not have the father I needed on this earth, but I’m clinging to the knowledge that my true Father is pursuing my heart, showing me how a Father loves His daughter one glimpse at a time until the deep knowledge of it replaces my experience with an earthly father. I’m counting on Him to re-Father the little girl inside me who needed a good father.

I was His daughter first.

5 thoughts on “The Father I Needed”

  1. This is beautiful and painful. Nothing hurts worse than when the pain of absent or abusive parents sits under your skin, buried in your heart, and sunk into your subconscious.

  2. It is so very hard when what our hearts long for is an earthly father who can love us without reserve…while the reality is that our earthly fathers are limited by the effects of living in a fallen world. Quite possibly bound by the effects of their own upbringing and their own lack of father-love. And yet we wonder why God cannot just override all of that and give us what we believe we need.
    Our earthly sin-bound minds cannot grasp the all-encompassing love of our heavenly Father easily and sometimes not at all. But when we accept Him at His Word, we begin to open up to the possiblity…no the reality that He is indeed a good, good father. And we begin to experience His love more fully. Keep trusting and He will continue to reveal Himself to you. Because you were His daughter first. Love you friend!

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