Rising From the Wasteland

Act One
I sat before the computer, awaiting the interview
with the Language Proficiency evaluator.
I was on my way to Gally U.
Then came the critic who said “don’t go.”
Fear crept in; I allowed it.

Act Two
Fear overtook anticipation.
I unpacked my bags, cancelled my plans,
left a chair in a classroom empty.
Retreated into darkness and defeat.
A dream deflated.
Wasted. Broken. Withered. Silenced.

Act Three
I am emerging from
the bramble and briars,
leaning on the One who
redeems and restores.
I have Joy.
I am Alive.
I have risen from the wasteland.
I am growing again.



Devout Thanksgiving

For the first time in several years, I am joyfully anticipating the holiday season.

Last year, at this time, I was preparing to move—for the first time since I was 18 months old, at 30. Packing up one’s belongings and relocating is NOT something I recommend tackling during the week of Christmas. (Literally—I was moving boxes into my new apartment all day on Christmas Eve. My only Christmas decoration was a Fresh Balsam candle from Bath and Body Works.) It’ll suck the life right out of your holiday season.

The year before that, I was so mired in depression and the muck of having wasted an opportunity I’d long-awaited, I was miserable. But my people-pleasing, perfectionist tendencies forced me to don the mask of happy and carry on. But it wasn’t authentic; I wasn’t really present.

This year, it’s different.

Bubbling over in my heart is a joy that promises to infuse this season with a renewed sense of wonder. If I weren’t so predisposed to introverted tendencies and expression, I’d be spending a lot of my time shouting, jumping up and down, dancing (say, what?!) and generally acting a fool. (Which might scare some folks who are quite used to a more reserved me!) You probably won’t find me leading revival-esque singing, complete with Scripture recitations at family gatherings as I did as a five-year-old (I used to be bold, y’all—and somewhere, underneath all the baggage of a couple decades, I probably still am.), but you might find me with a bit more lightness of heart around the dinner table.

Forgive me as I ramble.

This season of thankfulness started weeks ago for me. I was given an #ArmyofSisters last March—a gift I didn’t fully realize until months later. And while I’ve yet to meet any of those sisters face-to-face, they have given me the strength, courage, and freedom to re-engage with the people I come in contact with each day.

And this morning, I awoke, just as I have every morning since September 18th, with a deep gratitude for the community of sisters I have been blessed to laugh, cry, love, and pray with these last weeks, for the anticipation of meeting a handful (if you can call 70-something a handful!) of them in April.)

I’m continually thankful for the friends who are closer in geographical proximity–the ones I lay eyes on in the flesh each day. They are my family, my coworkers, my friends.

And most of all, I’m thankful for an Abba Father who sees fit to pour out His best for me, time and time again, when I hardly deserve it. He is the Gift that just keeps giving–He makes ALL things new, in His perfect time. And in this season, He’s making me new; I’m just riding the wave of His infinite goodness.

Happy Thanksgiving, friends. I hope you are surrounded by His presence in every way today.


Mission: The Sound of Gravel Launch Team

An Advance Reader Copy (ARC) of The Sound of Gravel by Ruth Wariner, a memoir of Ruth’s experience growing up in a polygamist colony in Mexico, landed in my hands just more than twelve hours ago.

After reading into the wee hours of the morning and a short three hour “nap,” I read the last words this morning.

And while I can’t offer my thoughts here, yet–I can tell you that this book is worthy of being read, a story worth hearing.

I invite you to follow Ruth’s page on Facebook:

Ruth Wariner on FB
Or visit her website

to pre-order The Sound of Gravel. 

To see what others are saying about the book, search the #hashtags




On Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

I can’t wait to share my thoughts with you!

Daring Greatly: A Review (Of Sorts)

Early in the pages of her new book, Audacious, Beth Moore asserts (yes, I’m prefacing a book review with a quote from another book—I have way too many books open at once these days, but they’re all so good!):

…I believe that God can use a book to mark a life. It doesn’t even have to be a great book. It can just be well-timed. He can cause a set of pages to hit a pair of hands with the kind of timing that sparks a decision that marks a destiny. Something within those pages becomes a catalyst that shapes a calling. (2)

Many books have illustrated that phenomenon for me. Brené Brown’s Daring Greatly has been the most recent—and one of the most powerful—book to fit Moore’s description.

Unpacking all the ways I have “dared greatly” over the past 2 months (ultimately beginning with my applying to be on the For the Love launch team back in March), is almost more than I can process. I’ve had to keep it mostly contained just because I can’t find sufficient words to convey what is happening, but it’s gradually leaking out, one thought, one action, at a time.

When I applied to Jen Hatmaker’s launch team (on a complete whim), I NEVER could have imagined that it would result in such a dramatic change in my heart, I NEVER would have fathomed the doors that have opened, I NEVER would have made all the divinely-appointed connections with women across the country that I have befriended. I NEVER would have considered flying to Texas to meet these women. (Heck, I wouldn’t have even WANTED to fly—period.)

But God, in His all-knowing, ironic, astounding ways, had a different plan. A plan to awaken my heart from the darkness it was lingering in, to restore my faith in Him, to reveal Himself anew. When I think of how close I came to dismissing that launch team application, I shudder—because it was such a catalyst for change. The launch team rejection turned formation of #the4500 was SUCH A BEAUTIFUL GIFT—a gift that just keeps on giving (cliché, but so very true).  (And, I apologize for bringing #the4500 up over and over, but if you knew how incredibly special it was, you’d surely forgive me. #sorrynotsorry)

I recently found myself wading back through posts from #the4500’s first couple of weeks. One of Anna’s many posts about Daring Greatly soon came across my screen, followed by one in which she explained why she kept bumping particular posts: “…I’m also secretly doing it for those of you ‘lurkers’ that read these conversations quietly without commenting, hoping to draw you out. You are part of this group for a reason and your voice matters. If you are afraid to speak out or speak up, that DARING Greatly post I keep bumping IS FOR YOU. YES…YOU! (You know who you are.)” When I saw that post, I could only laugh at the irony.

I’d seen her recommendations imploring folks to read the book from the time I joined the group—and I was intrigued in it from the beginning. But I kept putting it off. Finally, at the end of July, I ordered it. Then the post office screwed up and instead of delivering it, the book was returned to its sender. I re-ordered it, and it finally found its way into my hands at the end of August. It arrived just as I was headed into what was one of the hardest, lowest weeks of the year. That week brought mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion. It was one of those weeks you really just don’t know whether you’re going to make it through—where you just want to throw in the towel and be done.

So, I didn’t start reading DG until the second week of September. Getting past the intro and first two chapters was slow-going because there were so many gut-wrenching truths that I had to face about how I’d been living the past two+ years (longer than that, really). But then came the dream I had about meeting Anna and others in #the4500 and ended up texting Anna the night I shared my dream in the group. That was a Friday; by the following Tuesday, I was halfway through the book—and ready to have a conversation about it.

And that’s how I found myself on the phone with Anna for an hour and a half on a mid-September Tuesday. Daring greatly. Having a lengthy conversation with someone I’d never actually met in person. (Still blows my mind to this day…three lengthy phone calls later!)

All the opportunities and revelations that have occurred since that evening have piled into a huge heap of grace—a pile of outrageously daring leaps of faith—long-carried wounds of my heart healed, lessened fear and anxiety, active engagement with the women of #the4500, involvement in an actual book launch team (that one’s already a wild ride I can’t wait to tell you about!), deepening faith, a commitment (and utter excitement about) to Splendid TX, a renewed passion for writing, an openness to showing up for my own life…the list goes on. Sometimes God orchestrates the perfect storm to turn us around and have us head back toward Him, and in this case, #the4500, Anna, and Daring Greatly all collided at the moment my heart was receptive–and gave me the swift kick I desperately needed. I think sometimes we need God to drop someone new into our lives to bring fresh perspective that we wouldn’t be able to hear from a familiar face—because something in that first conversation with Anna unlocked the recesses of my heart that were holding me fearful and captive, a prisoner of circumstance and choice, of perceived failure and wastefulness. It gave me hope.

So, what’s this book about anyway? Well—it’s not a feel-good read, for sure, but if you can really dig in and apply Brown’s principles to your life, it will change you. She’s on a mission to bring the need for vulnerability and shame resilience to everyday life, “to dare to show up and let ourselves be seen,” to practice courage, to own our stories. She encourages us to learn to recognize our “shame tapes” (which she likens to the gremlins in Steven Speilberg’s horror film) and bringing them to light:

Shame derives its power from being unspeakable. That’s why it loves perfectionists—it’s so easy to keep us quiet. If we cultivate enough awareness about shame to name it and speak to it, we’ve basically cut it off at the knees. Shame hates having words wrapped around it. If we speak shame, it begins to whither. Just the way exposure to light was deadly for the gremlins, language and story bring light to shame and destroy it. (58)

And that’s exactly what I’ve been doing for the last 8 weeks: bringing light to the darkness by wrapping language and story and words—in #the4500, in conversation with Anna, in the pages of this blog, in the more private pages of my computer files—around the gremlins that had burrowed into my heart and mind.

I can’t make you read Daring Greatly. But I can tell you that if you struggle with feeling like you are enough, if you are tired of projecting a false sense of security and contentment to the world around you, if you are looking for a more actively engaged way of life, READ THIS BOOK. (Or Brown’s The Gifts Of Imperfection.) I truly believe Brené Brown is on to something with her work—and I think it is absolutely worthy of sharing.

I’ll leave you with the quote Brown used as the basis for her title (from Theodore Roosevelt’s “Citizenship in a Republic” speech):

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again,

because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause;

who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly… (qtd in Brown 1)

Show up.

Be seen.

Own your story.


A Pearl & The Cross: A Tribute To My Friend Susan

God knows I don’t understand His plan sometimes. But he does have one—one that doesn’t hinge on our earthly desires, but on His eternal righteousness. I’ve found this to be especially true in the face of watching my dear friend Susan leave this world earlier than we’d ever wanted or imagined. Last spring, Susan left this world and entered the presence of her Savior.

We probably all know of at least one person who loves others so fiercely that it oozes from their very pores. The kind of person who makes everyone feel warm and welcomed, loved and cherished, safe and appreciated. Susan was just such a person. Her soul mirrored the love of Christ, and poured out of her. His grace and mercy was evident even as she faced the end of her battle with pancreatic-turned-lung cancer. She fought more than a good fight—she fought a courageous, inspirational fight. Just two weekends ago, her family and friends gathered to celebrate her life at the memorial service she planned before leaving us. And it was such a sweet and precious gift to know that she had selected her favorite hymns and scriptures to comfort us—because that was exactly the kind of person she was—always looking to be a light to someone else in any way she could.

I met Susan when I was a sophomore in college. My friend Elizabeth, who was a senior preparing to student teach, had been Susan’s kids’ nanny for several years, but needed to focus on her workload as she neared graduation. She suggested to Susan that I might be interested—and I was. So in August 2006, I tagged along with Elizabeth for a day of meeting and caring for Susan’s two kids. I immediately felt welcomed in Susan’s home. I immediately fell in love with her six year old daughter and her seven year old son.

Through my years of nanny-ing for the family, Susan was a constant source of encouragement as I struggled to commit to a major, decide whether to stay at NGU, and whether to pursue teaching. Burned into my memory is particular conversation we had one evening when she and her husband returned from a date night. I was sitting at the breakfast bar in her kitchen, packing up my laptop. We were chatting about the possibility of me transferring schools to pursue a Deaf Ed/Special Ed degree.  Her daughter had recently begun attending a private school dedicated to providing an inclusive environment for students with autism. Susan relentlessly told me how she could picture me working as an ABA (Applied Behavior Analysis) therapist with the school’s affiliate therapy program. Before I left that night, she gave me the number of the program’s director, saying, “Call him—you’d be perfect for this kind of work.”

I left that number stuck in my planner for two years; I never called the number, but I kept it. A few weeks after I graduated from college (with an English degree), I mailed a job application to the company and told Susan to pray. Two weeks later I had an interview. The rest, as they say, is history. I’m well into my sixth year at Project Hope Foundation—now as an Assistant Teacher in a classroom at the Academy. Susan was right—I absolutely love working with these kids. I have learned and grown so much in working as both an ABA therapist and a inclusion teacher—and I have Susan’s persistent encouragement to thank for that.

Just a few weeks before she left us, I had the privilege of sitting with Susan one Sunday while her husband took a break and tried to get some rest. An image from that day is forever burned into my memory. Most of the morning, Susan slept off and on in her recliner in the living room. At one point she awoke and mumbled something to me…but the only words I caught were “His eyes are on the sparrow.” Later, she rose and shuffled to the stairs. I met her at the bottom step and told her I was going to help her. She looked at me and started to argue; I firmly, yet gently told her I was going to help her. She looked at me with the most clarity I’d seen in her eyes that day and said, “Yes. I’m sorry, I forget.” As we started up the stairs, my arm tucked around hers, our fingers intertwined, I glanced down at our hands—hers frail and fragile, mine young and strong—and saw the rings I wear on my left hand juxtaposed against her fingers:

photo (2)

A cross and a pearl.

Two symbols that perfectly fit the life Susan led. She was a faithful follower of Christ, living out the freedom she found at the foot of the Cross, pouring the light of Christ on everyone around her. And she was a pearl of great price—a beautiful treasure that God created in His image, a gem that taught us more about grace and peace than many people can in the midst of great battle.

She’s not here with us on this earth anymore, but she is waiting for us at the throne of God. I can imagine her sitting at the feet of Jesus, soaking in His glory. And, in those moments, Heaven doesn’t seem all that far away.

At the Edge of…Something

I need to acknowledge something that God has been speaking to me, to get it out of my own head, to say it “out loud.”

A few days ago, I had a beautiful  conversation with my friend Anna about hearing God speak and really knowing it’s Him. I walked away from that conversation with the realization that I’ve been hearing Him more than I thought I had, that He never left me in the midst of the wilderness I’d been wandering in, that He is calling me to step up my game in a thousand ways.

The last 6 weeks have been an absolute whirlwind. My heart and my mind have CHANGED. I have jumped on countless opportunities I NEVER would have considered before.

Here’s the thing: I’m a writer. People have been telling me this for years. I love to write. I love words. I love communicating with words. And I’m finally believing that maybe my words are for a larger audience. Several different, unrelated people have asked me about whether I’ve considered pursuing publication, without external prompting.

In recent weeks, I’ve been impressed with the declaration that I have a story–no matter how small. I have a story that is worth telling, a story that someone needs to hear. So, a few weeks ago, I wrote a “Story Manifesto”  here on my blog.

Sunday night, as I invited the Holy Spirit to speak to me, I heard Him say loud and clear in my heart, “The story manifesto was my words, not yours. I spoke that…you are My vessel; I want to fill you.”

Y’all I am wrecked by this.

God has dropped a project idea in my heart that I can’t shake. A project (book? website?! blog community??) that allows women who don’t think their story is “big enough” or “significant enough” to make an impact to TELL. THEIR. STORIES of how they exercise bravery in their ordinary, every day lives. And how it’s okay that their bravery doesn’t look like someone else’s.

I have NO IDEA how to proceed with this, how to seriously pursue this, but it seems like the next step.

The enemy keeps trying to tell me I have no business exploring this realm of writing/ministry/building a platform/etc. But this idea has burrowed its way down into my heart. It’s simmered for weeks, and gets a little clearer every day.

Jesus is up to something. I don’t know what yet, but I’m willing to move as He moves and go along for the ride.

(But I still can’t believe I’m about to post this.)

Splendid & Lovely

These last few weeks, I’ve been processing a lot of experiences and feelings that I’d spent 28 months suppressing, numbing, and burying. I’ve spent a lot of time getting still, listening to the quiet voice of my heavenly Father, reading Brené Brown’s work on shame and vulnerability research (if you aren’t familiar with her work—I implore you to look it up), and writing, writing, writing. I’ve also acted on some leaps of faith that definitely fall into the category of “daring greatly” over the course of the last week. All of this is accompanied by a not-quite-comfortable sensation that I’m coming out of the shell I’ve been hiding in—it’s a momentum of bravery that I don’t want to lose.

On Twitter yesterday, I alluded to the fiery red of my latest hair color being a reflection of “my inner feisty-ness” while chatting with Anna. Her reply was quick: “’inner’. Whatever. It’s leaking out ALL OVER these days.” And well, I guess that’s true.

My sister became fascinated with personality tests/types a couple years ago, gently encouraging practically forcing everyone in our family to take the Meyers-Briggs evaluation and learn our personality types. Mine was INFJ the first time I took it, but last year I did it again and got ISFJ—which I think is more accurate. Or was. See—since I actually committed to and became more involved in #the4500 last month, I’ve begun to question the degree of my introversion. It seems that all the mental and emotional shifts I’ve experienced since then have unlocked who I might really be underneath all the junk I’ve been hauling around. Am I a full-on extrovert? Absolutely not. But I might be more of an extroverted introvert than I ever would have identified myself as. (I REALLY want to take the Meyers-Briggs inventory again, but Jess tells me I should wait a few weeks to let this “new” personality settle in.)
I’m tempted to list all the ways I’ve seen this elevated extroversion manifest itself, but you’d grow weary of that list. For now, the focus will be on the biggest one thus far: SPLENDID 2016.
So, what exactly is SPLENDID 2016? Splendid is the name of a retreat ministry formed by #the4500’s FB group founder, Tracy. Tracy answers the question of SPLENDID’s definition simply, “God has each one of us on an amazing splendid journey. With each step our stories become intertwined with each other and God’s face can be seen in the walk.” Her vision is for women to come together to “seek simplicity, listen for calm & study the names of God…focus on things such as mothering, friendship, and self-care…to see Jesus as never before.”

The first SPLENDID retreat debuts next weekend in Wisconsin. A few dozen of #the4500’s braver souls—those who were unafraid to make the commitment to attend when the group was still in its very beginning stages, will converge on a beautiful retreat center to spend a sweet time of renewal together. (Allow me to pause here and say that I never entertained the notion of being at SPLENDID 2015. No consideration at all. It was totally #offthebeam. But today, as my Twitter feed has begun to buzz with #thesplendidretreat countdowns, I’m feeling tinges of FOMO [fear of missing out]. But at the same time, I’m happy for those who will be there.) My heart is filled with the prayer that those who will be in attendance experience an extraordinary freedom with one another next weekend, that Tracy be led by the Holy Spirit in ministering to those women, and that her vision be expanded and multiplied in the future.
About two weeks ago, Tracy announced that there would be a second SPLENDID in the spring of next year…in Texas.

A few facts here:

  •  I’ve traveled to several southern states around SC; I’ve been on a literary-minded trek to several New England states. The farthest west I’ve been is Indiana. I have NEVER wanted to go to Texas. Of all the states I’ve had any inkling of interest in, Texas has always been very near the bottom of the list.
  •  I have NEVER flown. Nope, never. It’s one of those things Ticcoa just does not do.
  •  I have NEVER traveled alone.

Many of the women in #the4500 live in Texas– several of whom I have developed friendships with within the group.

The night before Tracy posted the announcement of the new retreat, I’d drifted off to sleep thinking, “Maybe I’ll go to Texas some day and meet these girls.” No lie—the next morning, I woke up to a photo Tracy had posted proclaiming: “Splendid: Texas Spring 2016.”
Um. I’m sorry. WHAT?
It immediately stirred something in my heart. I was already being pulled toward it and there were no details. Me—the queen of routine, schedule, and having a plan!
Last week, the dates and location were announced. Details posted. Registration opened.
I signed up. I put down a deposit. I started looking at flights. I made a commitment.
I’m going to Texas next Spring. Flying. By myself. To meet up with these women who inspire and encourage me on a daily basis.
And I. Am. So. Excited. About. It.
Will it be awkward? Perhaps at first.
Scary? Maybe a little.
But I can’t imagine a safer place to be either of those things.
Because it will definitely be

TX bluebonnets

“The Lord appeared to us in the past saying…
I have loved you with an everlasting love;
I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.”
Jeremiah 31:3
“Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)” Hillsong UNITED
“Chasing You” Jenn Johnson & Bethel Music

Fighting for Surrender

After three weeks of writing nearly every morning and evening, I haven’t written in three days.

I don’t feel like writing this morning.

But I need to.

Because the enemy is attacking me hard.

And it’s no coincidence that this attack comes on the heels of my making some major commitments to things far beyond my comfort zone.

Jesus is calling me out to expand my perspective, my borders, my vision.

And I’m actively pursuing those things.

And Satan can’t stand it. He’s counter-punching my faith and trust and hope with fear, anxiety, and uncertainty—in the place where it gets to me the most: car trouble. I don’t know why, but that is an area that sends me straight into panic mode.

As much as it scares me to make such declarations, I am determined that these setbacks will not send me back into a state of mental, emotional, and spiritual shut-down. I am fighting to keep my heart and mind surrendered to the One who calls me “beloved.” (Fighting for surrender—that’s such an oxymoron—but it’s so true right now.)

I will not bury my head in the sand again.

Jesus has plans for me that I can only see a glimpse of from where I stand, things I would have never imagined even a few months ago.

So, for the moment, I’m taking deep breaths, praising His name, and trusting that He’s already got this situation taken care of.

And I’m also breathing a prayer of gratitude for my #the4500 sisters who were ready at the call to give encouragement and truth-filled words last night when I was mired deep in the cycle of “what if….” and also my dear friend and co-teacher, Christine, who also poured the truth over me last night. It’s so good to have a tribe who shows up to lift us up when we are weary and worn.



Such a loaded word for only two syllables worth of vocal real estate.

We all want it. We all strive for it. We all wish we were better at it.

And we all beat ourselves up over the fact that, no matter how hard we try, we just can’t attain it.There’s always something that gets left undone, forgotten, or given less than our best efforts.

In  For the Love,  Jen Hatmaker speaks to the theory that our society is hinged on comparison culture:

“we have up-close access to women who excel in each individual sphere. With social media and its carefully selected messaging, we see career women killing it, craft moms slaying it, chef moms nailing it, Christian leaders working it […] Then we combine the best of everything we see, every woman we admire in every genre, and conclude: I should be all of that.”

That is so absurd. Yet, we’re ALL guilty of it.

We waste SO much energy trying to be good at everything, when we aren’t necessarily called to be.We live in a constant state of judging ourselves against the polished lives of those around us.We fill our plates with far more activities, responsibilities, and “shoulds” than we can realistically balance.

Jen H. likens this phenomenon to a balance beam. Of the impulse to weigh our lives down with as many hobbies, jobs, activities, projects, etc as we possibly can, she says:

 “meanwhile we have beautiful lives begging to be really lived, really enjoyed, really applauded—and it is simpler than we dare hope: we gotta unload that beam […] Decide which parts are draining you dry. What do you dread? What are you including for all the wrong reasons? Which parts are for approval? […] Throw out every should or should not and make ruthless cuts. Go ahead. Your beam is much too crowded.”

And while Jen (we’re [practically] BFF’s and she’s also part of #the4500, so I can call her that) speaks to the mostly physical aspects of a loaded beam, I wager that it can apply to our mental well-being just as much.

Because our minds get just as mired in the debate of who we are vs. who we “should” be. I know I spend a lot of time listening to the thoughts that constantly play in my mind. (Maybe it’s an introvert thing, but I’m always talking down the “gremlins” that Brenè Brown refers to in Daring Greatly.) In Brown’s research she uses the term “gremlin” as a synonym for “shame tapes.” She found that:

“shame derives its power from being unspeakable […] it loves perfectionists [hello, introvert!]—it’s so easy to keep us quiet […] Shame hates having words wrapped around it. If we speak shame, it begins to wither. Just the way exposure to light was deadly for [Spielberg’s] gremlins, language and story bring light to shame and destroy it.”

I have struggled with this for decades. I don’t remember having a mind clear of the shame tapes rolling. All the fears, anxiety, approval-seeking thoughts that have occupied my brain for so long are exhausting. And YOU cannot balance them. There is no balance when it comes to these thoughts. They become too powerful, drowning out the positive attributes we have, the messages of hope, and courage and “you are enough” that we all need to hear ourselves say to our actual selves.

And over the last two years, they roared in my ears, every minute of every day.

“You’ve made a huge mistake.”

“You weren’t brave enough.”

“You’re invisible; no one sees you.”

“What if…?”

“You don’t have what it takes to make a difference.”

“Wasted—that’s all that opportunity was.”

“You missed your chance. You blew it.”

Those words in your head every day for two years will drive you insane. You can hide it well behind the mask of “I’ve got it together,” you can numb it, you can push it down deep and build a wall around it—but it will not go away.

I’d settled into this way of living. Ignoring all the feelings, the emotions, the reality of my pain and became a shell of myself. Presenting my happy self to the world around me, but inside I was miserable.

I could not see my way out.

I’m so thrilled to say it’s not like that today.

Over the past month, a series of events, connections, and words have been set into motion that have broken through that wall that held all those thoughts captive. My heart is free again. The Light has come and destroyed those thoughts, leaving them shriveled and whimpering.

As I was pondering the change in my mind and heart over this time, I realized that I had forgotten a key point.

In early September, I attended a gathering of my church and our sister church in Indiana. On the last evening of services, the pastors called for prayer for healing.

I’ll be honest—I was in a funk that night. I was 900 miles from home, I’d spent nearly three straight days in a car with an extrovert; I wanted quiet, I wanted to be by myself. And the “gremlins” were roaring in my head. But I stood up; I tried to pray, but all I could say was, “Jesus.”

After a few minutes, someone approached and prayed over me—for balance: “Jesus, bring balance to the mind, body, and spirit. Bring them into alignment with you.”

The person who prayed those words was a stranger. Someone who had no idea of the struggle I was facing. But God knew and He has made sure I know that He knows in a hundred ways over the past three weeks. And He has brought balance.  I FEEL ALIVE again. Fear and anxiety aren’t ruling me anymore. There’s so much joy in my heart, I feel like I could jump out of my skin.

By the grace of God, I have regained my balance after years of teetering on the edge.

Those “gremlins” we carry around? OFF THE BEAM

Those things we fill our lives with to keep up with all the “perfect people”? OFF THE BEAM

It has to stop.

It has to stop because it isn’t the way God created us to live.

We aren’t called to live under that kind of pressure.

But if we’re so caught up in trying to attain goals that aren’t meant for us to attain or listening to the gremlins that drown out our thoughts, we waste the beautiful, extraordinarily ordinary lives we were given.


I Had A Dream (and jumped out of my comfort zone)

I posted last weekend about #the4500. This group alone is a miracle that gives testament to the power of God’s love; of prayer; and of “simple, yet complicated” walks of faith coming together for the purpose of building one another up. Because, really—where else on the internet, or in the world for that matter, can you find 1300 women from all over the globe and all sorts of backgrounds who get along with one another, #forthelove? (I’m not naïve enough that I don’t think negativity slips in sometimes—but our attentive and gentle admins (Tracy and Anna) keep it from spreading very far.) In my post, I mentioned a dream about #the4500 and the series of connections it set off, promising to come back to it. So, here’s that story:

Until two weeks ago, I had posted in the group occasionally, but not really connected with anyone on a more personal level. One of the admins had requested to be friends on Facebook back in April, along with a couple of people from SC who are also in the group. I’d watched photos of meet-ups come across the pages of the group, and almost had my own meet-up at the Beth Moore conference in July (it didn’t happen—partially because there were so many people in the venue you could hardly move, and partially because I just chickened out). And when Tracy unveiled her new ministry of weekend retreats to bring the group together in real life (IRL), I never even let myself entertain the thought of attending. (For the record, I’m now kind of wishing I were going to the first one that’s happening in WI in three weeks.) I was perfectly happy on the fringes.

But then I started reading Daring Greatly. And started thinking about living a more authentic life, showing up, and re-engaging. And about that time, I had a dream that I attended a conference of #the4500. In the dream, I met Anna (who encouraged everyone to read Daring Greatly in the group) and we talked about things close at heart. As we were talking, someone unintentionally interrupted us, but Anna gently guided the conversation back to what was on my heart.

I woke up that morning feeling like a weight had rolled off my shoulders. I had a joy I couldn’t explain. I considered posting about the dream in the group, but for a split second I thought, “No, that’s ridiculous. Nobody will care that you dreamed about this.” Ten minutes later, I decided to post it—because it was just a fun little anecdote. We would all laugh about it and be done with it.

So I posted: “I dreamed of #the4500 last night. The whole legion of us was at some conference and I kept running into people I recognized. We had dinners, coffees, chats together. But what really takes the cake—the moment when I was pouring my heart out to Anna and someone walked up and unintentionally interrupted. Without missing a beat, Anna steered the conversation back to what was on my heart in the gentlest way.  I’ve never met her IRL, but I imagine that she’s just as sweet, encouraging, and darling as she was in my dream. Anna—you’re a cheerleader for us even in our dreams! It’s ridiculous, but I woke up light-hearted and joyful because of our ‘dream-chat!’”

Anna was first to comment with “we should talk soon!” Almost immediately, people were posting comments that Anna really is that sweet IRL.  When I saw Anna’s comment, I thought email, FB messenger kind of talking—you know, written correspondence.

Within ten minutes of posting, I had a FB message from Anna, saying “here’s my number, let’s chat!”

I’m an introvert. If you know me, you know this is true (thought I’m beginning to see slightly more extroversion appearing). I DON’T talk on the phone. My sister and mom are lucky if I answer their calls immediately. It’s just not my thing. Small talk is excruciating. I hate it. For real.

And this STRANGER wanted to talk to me. ON THE PHONE. Bless her extroverted heart.

I didn’t even open the message until I got home from work that afternoon. (I didn’t want her to know I’d read it—because then I’d have to do something about it!) But it was in the back of my mind all day. So when I got home, I messaged her back. In total honesty, I told her it wasn’t my thing; I told her I wanted to chat about the book, but I didn’t think I could do it on the phone; I asked if we could text instead; and I gave her my number so I could not chicken out.

Half an hour later, my phone buzzes with a text. Guess who? We chatted for a couple minutes about the book, then she asked where I live. I told her and she replied with the statement that made me believe Jesus had his hands all over this: “My boss just told me today that I’m coming to [town in the next state]! I smell a meet-up.”

WAIT. WHAT??? The very day I wake up from a dream about meeting her, her boss tells her he’s flying her from five states away to company headquarters which JUST HAPPEN to be TWO HOURS FROM ME???

That’s not a coincidence y’all. That is God at work. If nothing else, Anna and I agree that He’s up to something BIG here.

There’s no way I’d miss this meet-up. No way.

But there’s more. All of the above happened two weeks ago (Friday). I got halfway through Daring Greatly over the weekend and needed to talk it out with someone who’d read it. That Tuesday evening, I took a leap and texted Anna to see when she was available to talk. Yes, talk. Not text. Talk. We set a time for later that night.

It was so far out of my comfort zone.  At one point during our conversation she asked if it was weird for me to be talking to her. Um, yes. But we talked for an hour and a half (which neither of us realized until we hung up). And it was such a blessing. She is such a blessing. And I’m so looking forward to meeting her later this month. (Part of me wonders when “the other shoe will drop” and I’ll be scared to death of this meet-up.)

So many other connections and breakthroughs have happened in my own heart as a domino effect of our conversations and what God has been speaking to me through the questions posed both by Anna and by Daring Greatly, as well as other books I’ve been reading and sermons I’ve heard lately. I’ll be writing for weeks about it all.

Moral of the story: Sometimes we get so stuck in the ruts we’ve made—the place where we’re comfortable, the place we’ve made safe. But we aren’t designed for safe. We’re designed to dare greatly, to show up so God can show out.  If we aren’t willing to move, He can’t work as freely. But when we show up and engage with the world around us, He has a way of blowing our preconceived ideas straight out of the water.