I’ve been absent here for much of this year. Sometimes, the blank page is more painful than cathartic. Sometimes, the painful day-to-day needs to sit for months to lose the sting of its reality.
This summer I started another blog. A blog full of anticipatory hope, expectation, excitement. A blog that would detail my journey to a place I’d been headed toward for years. A blog about my two weeks at Gallaudet University. On July 15th, I posted my third and last entry on that freshly-made blog.
And that’s when it all went to pieces. My mental, emotional, spiritual, physical states–the whole of me–hit a wall, tumbled into a darkness that threatened to choke me. I tried to fix it with my feeble plans and got buried deeper. I faced demons I didn’t know existed in my soul. Something shriveled in the core of me.
Perhaps I hid it well from most. Perhaps I didn’t. I know there are at least a few who saw the plunge. Who knew the reason. Thank God for their listening ears (you know who you are). There were those who knew/know something was/is up, but had/have no idea what. Thank God for their tentatively probing questions, their prayers, their wisdom (I hope you know who you are).
This wasn’t just about Gallaudet. Gallaudet was the tip of the proverbial iceberg, the breaking point. Everything else caved in as a result.
It wasn’t pretty. And I don’t want to dwell on it. The weight of the past eight months (entire year, really) is too heavy for the page to bear. It needs to be written–if only just to get it out and on the page. (The burden of a story untold is a heavy burden for a writer.) Maybe one day.
For now, all I need to know is that it happened–and it is not all resolved–but for Grace that redeems lost souls, lost time, and lost hope.
Tomorrow, another day dawns, another year awakens–clean, blank, a canvas upon which to write another chapter. We live; we learn; we find the strength, the will, the sheer determination to press forward, relinquishing that which needs to be buried for the moment and clinging to the Hope that it won’t always be this way.
“And there’s the utter release of being more grateful for what is than feeling guilty for what isn’t —
The moving forward always happening in the relief that
all the guilt is covered by His grace.” ~Ann Voskamp